Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Randomize
