You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize