Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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