I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
