TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
