Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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