i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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