my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
