a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
