at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
