Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
