So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
