We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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