i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
