6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
