omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
