I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize