I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
