We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
