shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
