Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
