GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
