Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
