just tell him i said nine months
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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