Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
