I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I die, sorry about rent.
Terrible idea I love it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
