I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
