apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
