nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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