I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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