So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
