Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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