Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
