guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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