he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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