Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
