So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
