Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
