I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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