i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
