Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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