my vag is so smooth its legendary
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
