worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
