I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
