I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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