: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
