if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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