I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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