I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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