I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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