i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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