I hope mine doesn't look like that
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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