I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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