Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
