I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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