you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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