Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
