ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize