I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
