reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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