I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
