you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
