What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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